July 14, 2000
The Mirror
A WEEK ON THE TOWN WITH SHEBAH, QUEEN OF THE LONDON SOCIAL SCENE
by: Shebah Ronay

My mission for last week, which I chose to accept, was to be whisked through London's streets in a fast car, to combat security men and hostile photographers, and ruthlessly to fight other highly-trained enemy celebrities for the best seats.

I had to do covert, undercover surveillance during the film as to where the stars were sitting and who they were groping. Finally, I had to attempt an expedition to the South side of the Thames, only to be captured by merciless organisers and constrained in a tent while being forced to drink vast amounts of champagne and eat highly suspicious crocodile and kangaroo canapes.

You may have guessed by now that your intrepid secret columnist was attending the premiere of Mission: Impossible 2, where we were all held captive in the auditorium and nearly bored to death waiting 45 minutes while Tom Cruise attempted to make friends outside with every journalist in the West.

It's not my place to tell those poor premiere organisers how to arrange such things, but perhaps it would be better for the stars to talk to the press once the film has actually started, or at least bring the audience round some soft drinks.

One excellent development, though, is the screening of live footage of guests arriving. You get to see all the stars posing, as well as the late arrivals still doing up their trousers. The Antipodean clan included tiny Kylie Minogue, statuesque Elle Macpherson and Gladiator Russell Crowe. The pouters were Sara Cox, Angelina Jolie and the film's female lead Thandie Newton,who oozed sex appeal throughout the flick.

The baddie is played by the most gorgeous man to come out of Scotland since Sean Connery, Dougray Scott. The Mirror's Caprice caused a sensation in a black leather number complete with a pounds 50,000 diamond necklace.

All the waiting was worth it, for when Mr Cruise walked down the aisle to say his earnest words of thanks, the whole place melted and swooned. He's one top geezer, that Tom. He signed all the paper that was shoved under his nose and posed with all the shrieking girls who threw themselves at him.

I actually enjoyed the film as well, which came as something of a surprise as I usually don't like all that John Woo fighting stuff. But there was something about Tom and Dougray in slow motion that was captivating and, even when our hero got out of yet another implausible situation, I just smiled and wished I could also be in such a terrible scenario so that he would rescue me. Whatever you do, don't miss the first scene which is literally a cliffhanger.

I attended the last performance at the Regency Rooms of arguably the greatest cabaret compere ever, Mr Lenny Beige. He wanted to go out with a bang and so invited all his favourite acts along to the Talk Of London for one final night of chaos.

The fab Supergirly performed their version of Britney Spears tunes that had the audience in fits of hysterics, including All Saint Nicole Appleton. Lenny even sang a duet of New York, New York with none other than Lionel Blair, who provided some fine footwork.

The lovely Donna Air was also in the audience, looking rightly shocked at one of the acts whose finale involved revealing his meat and two veg from under a bikini (you had to be there). Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen was also a spectator and smiled sweetly as he became the butt of a string of Lenny's jokes.

Sasha Baron Cohen even reprised his performance of a singing rabbi which managed to confuse most of the audience who only know him as Ali G and kept shouting "booyakasha" at the poor bloke.

It was a great night to end a legendary six-year run and we'll all miss the madness.

After all my exhausting missions, it was back to headquarters for some recuperation. We'll meet again next week. Same time, same place. As usual, this column will self-destruct in five seconds.

Copyright 2000 MGN Ltd.

Thanks to our News Diva, Missy for the find!